I closed my eyes and silently said, “Surrender.” This has become my word of the year, not because I typically do a word of the year, or because I wanted to choose it, but because life keeps screaming in my face reminding me that control is an illusion. It’s infuriating, yet it’s true.
Sometimes the lessons I teach, like “control is an illusion” and “find the steadiness the uncertainty of life,” test the shit out of me. This is one of those times and has been for a long time because I’m stubborn and have to learn lessons over and over again and over again.
I will accept some lessons gracefully and gratefully, embracing the opportunity for growth and learning.
Others, not so much. I deny them, refute them, and flat out fight them. I will try to belly punch them in order to bully life into bending to my will.
My mom is turning 83 this week and neither of my parents have a power of attorney and cannot be persuaded into doing it.
Every single time I want to put some serious time into my business, whether it’s launching an amazing program, updating my websites, or take action on a marketing plan, I find out time I had allotted is gone. Either because of Dave’s schedule or someone gets sick.
I can get resentful my time isn’t my own. My schedule revolves around my husbands (who’s schedule is INSANE) and my son’s. This would be fine. Except I feel the constant tension of wishing it didn’t.
Which doesn’t make it fine at all.
The past few months (and years) have been a constant battle between my expectations and desires, and things beyond my control snuffing them out.
My bestie Sharma, had the kindness and courage to have a conversation about this with me last spring. She compassionately said she wished I could see my suffering was from wanting things to be different and that I would feel more peace in accepting things for what they are – because they will still be what they are no matter how much I try to fight them.
This is surrender.
It doesn’t mean that we flop down dramatically moaning, “That’s it! Fuck it! I’m done with all of this!!!” Or that we stop making plans and striving for what is important to us.
But it does mean, for me at least, more grace. It means still making plans, striving for big goals, AND surrendering to knowing they may not happen within my timelines.
Stress is the tension between what is and what we want it to be. It is literally our constant war against reality, it’s that “thing” that we butt our heads against. Whether that’s a work thing, a neighbour thing, a spouse thing, a kids constantly home sick thing, or a time thing. There is some part of us that is fighting the way things (or people) are instead of surrendering to what is.
This morning as I sat to meditate, I closed my eyes and turned my palms open. I reminded myself that I am not the one in control, no matter how much I want to be. I took a few deep breaths and let out a few long sighs as I silently said to myself, “Surrender.”
Like anything, it’s a practice, and a lesson I keep learning. I hope one day, I’ll start learning the lesson a little faster.
I’d love to hear your thoughts now. Do you have a word of the year, and if so, what is it? What are your thoughts on surrender and when have you been forced to face it? Tell me about it in the comments below!
PS. If you’re curious, this morning I did the “So Hum” meditation, which is translates as “That I am,” or “I am That.” To do it, on the inhale, silently say “so” and exhale “hum.” The ancient yogis believed that So is the sound of the inhale, and Hum is the sound of the exhale. It is a beautiful reminder of our divinity built into the sound of our breath. It’s mantra which makes it a concentration practice which is ideal for cultivating focus and calm while connecting to your deepest spiritual Self. As a Quick Bliss Yoga member you can listen to the audio in the Stillness section. If you’re not, but would like to try it, hit “reply” and I’ll send it to you.